Slowly and Then All At Once
by Jack E. Peace
Summary: Aubrey pretends to still be asleep in order to avoid the conversation that she knows is bound to happen. She wants to hold onto that embarrassment and disappointment, she wants to hold on to the certainty that everything that did happen was her fault and she single-handedly robbed the Bellas of their chance at a first place win.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Title comes from my favorite line in _The Fault in Our Stars _by John Green.

**A/N: **Blah blah sorry blah blah can't stop writing yada yada I really just love Chloe and Aubrey and have about 1,000 story ideas about them (my students might say that I just used a hyperbole but did I? Only time will tell) so here's another. I really feel like thefutillitarian put me up to this story, so this one's for her. Hope it's what you had in mind! If you wanted to get technical about it, you could say that this story fits in between "As I Looked Around I Began to Notice..." and "Our Hands Tightly Holding." Or this story can just exist all on its lonesome. Hope you enjoy!

**"Slowly and Then All At Once"**

For a minute, Aubrey Posen is sure this is a nightmare. She's had nightmares like this before, so she feels like it's a logical conclusion. But her nightmares have never been this involved. There usually aren't people screaming or laughing or scrambling to get away or hurrying to pull their phones out and video tape this actual living nightmare. And it just won't stop. Aubrey is pretty sure that she's never been this sick in her entire life and that includes the afternoon that she had to show her father the Ivy League letters that did not grant her admittance into their hallowed halls. But she can't seem to stop.

The other Bellas are standing behind her, some still frozen in mid-step, some desperately trying to keep from throwing up all over their pointy-toed heels. Aubrey stops vomiting long enough to glance over her shoulder, to look at her supposed sisters and friends, her eyes round and pleading. Alice is fuming, her eyes narrowed into slits and her face red. Aubrey feels a fresh wave of nausea roll over her and she turns back around, squeezing her eyes shut as she starts to throw up again. Tears leak out of the corners of her eyes despite her best efforts to hold them back. It's stupid but she doesn't want to cry now, not after everything else.

Aubrey hears Alice stamp her foot and call to the other girls as she exits the stage, her heels clicking. Aubrey lifts her head, suddenly mortified to be the only Bella left, as though _that's_ what she has to be embarrassed about right now. "I'm sorry." She croaks out, feeling more tears slip down her cheeks. "I'm sorry…"

"Shh, it's okay." Of course, she's not the only Bella left. How could she ever think that?

Chloe kneels down beside her, seemingly unfazed by the disgusting amount of vomit on the stage. Aubrey spares a fleeting thought for the person (or persons) who is going to have to clean all of this up. For some reason, that thought makes her start crying all over again. "I'm sorry." She moans again, turning and burying her face against Chloe's shoulder.

Chloe wraps her arms around her. "Shh, Bree, stop." She whispers, reaching out and taking the microphone away from Aubrey. She hadn't even realized that she'd still been clutching it in a death-like grip. "It's okay. You're okay." Aubrey just shakes her head.

Somehow, Chloe manages to pull her to her feet, slipping her arm around Aubrey's waist as they walk toward the backstage area. It's complete chaos backstage; Bumper and the rest of the Treblemakers can't stop laughing and make no effort to hide their amusement with the whole situation. Aubrey is mortified because when Bumper starts making vomiting sounds she starts crying again. The other acapella groups are giving the Bellas a wide berth, as though whatever the hell just happened on stage might somehow affect their performances as well. Even the stage hands are laughing.

But the worst is Alice. She's standing with the Bellas flanking her, her arms crossed over her chest and her face expressionless. It's terrifying.

Aubrey sniffs, wiping her eyes. "Alice…I'm so sorry…I…"

In an instant, Alice's placid demeanor changes and her expression shifts from calm to furious. She takes a step forward and slaps Aubrey across the face. Aubrey is too shocked to respond. "How could you?" She snarls, her face only centimeters away from Aubrey's. "You ruined everything! How could you take this away from me! Just…get out! I never want to see you again!" She grabs Aubrey's scarf, her clawed fingers working frantically to untie the knot.

"What the fuck Alice?" Chloe snaps, stepping in between Aubrey and the Bellas' leader, pushing the brunette backward. "What is your _problem_? Don't you think that's the last thing you should be worrying about right now? You're such a bitch."

The other Bellas' eyes go wide as they exchange nervous glances. They're all willing to put money on the fact that they've never seen Chloe so much as frown. Actually seeing her yelling at someone else, especially Alice, is out of the question.

If Alice is surprised, she doesn't show it. She narrows her eyes. "_Excuse _me? Listen here you piece-"

"If you want to blame someone for what just happened you should blame yourself." Chloe interrupts. "You're nothing but a slave driver. You ruined the Bellas. Everyone hates you. You are a horrible person. It should have been you out there that everyone was laughing at." Aubrey closes her eyes and bows her head; she knows that Chloe is trying to help but… "Aubrey has done nothing but bust her ass for years trying to impress you and nothing is ever good enough for you. If it wasn't for Aubrey I would have quit the Bellas a long time ago."

Alice glares at her. "I wish you would have. And I wish you would've taken that embarrassment with you. She's ruined everything!" Alice's eyes shift to Aubrey, who is hiding behind Chloe. "You ruined this for all of us. You're going to ruin the Bellas too. No one will want to be associated with an embarrassment like you."

"Enough!" Chloe shouts and the Bellas who weren't previously intimidated by her outburst before definitely are now. "Just…enough Alice! How dare you? Aubrey is an amazing person; she's an amazing singer and-"

Alice rolls her eyes. "What are we, in grade school? Save the compliments for someone who gives a shit. You two are finished. You're dead to me."

"Great." Chloe lifts her chin. "Fuck you Alice. You're a miserable person and you're always going to be a miserable person. We're going to get over this, we're going to rise above this moment and when people talk about us they're going to talk about how we went from rock bottom to the top. But when people talk about they're going to say that you were a bitch. A miserable bitch who wanted to make everyone else miserable too. Aubrey's not even in the same category as you are, so don't ever talk about her like that again."

Alice crosses her arms over her chest. "I didn't mean to hurt your girlfriend's feelings Chloe." Her tone is teasing and a few of the other girls titter nervously. "You two can find your own way back to Atlanta. Or stay here for all I care. The point is, I don't give a shit what you do anymore. You two are not my problem. Good riddance." She turns on her heel. "Let's go ladies."

"Aubrey is my friend." Chloe protests as Alice and the other girls start to walk away. "My _friend_. Obviously you don't know how to recognize one of those." For the briefest of moments, she's not sure who she's trying to convince. Or why the terminology matters.

Alice and the rest of the Bellas march off stage, leaving Chloe standing there with her hands balled into fists and Aubrey sniffing and trying to keep from bursting into tears again. Their little exchange with Alice has definitely not gone unnoticed. Bumper starts applauding, giving Chloe a shit-eating grin. "Well, well, this has been quite the show ladies. I'll definitely remember this moment, next year, when I'm back here at Lincoln Center about to win like my thousandth trophy and you two hags are back at Barden crying because blondie here can't-"

Chloe takes a step toward Bumper and raises her fists. "Shut the fuck up Bumper. You don't know how many times I've had to keep myself from punching you right in the throat." She's definitely showing a lack of restraint now.

And she's a little too close for comfort, as far as Bumper's concerned. He blanches and ducks behind Donald, who suddenly looks worried for his own safety. Chloe rolls her eyes at Bumper and then turns back toward Aubrey, who has her eyes fixed on the ground. "Let's go Bree." Chloe grabs Aubrey's hand and pulls her forward, ignoring the stares from the other acapella groups and stage hands.

The crowd parts and Aubrey pretends not to hear the way that everyone dissolves into laughter as soon as they assume that she and Chloe are out of earshot. Her eyes burn with tears and her cheeks burn with shame.

Chloe pulls her into the bathroom, which is blessedly empty. Aubrey stands by the counter while Chloe turns on the sink, grabbing a fistful of paper towels and wetting them. Chloe wipes off Aubrey's cheeks and chin and uses the ball of her thumb to wipe away the single tear that drops onto her cheek. "You'll feel better when we get back to the hotel." Chloe assures Aubrey softly, mustering a smile. "We'll take a cab back, okay? Get the full New York City experience." Chloe doesn't doubt that Alice has followed through on her earlier words; they've been left at Lincoln Center, abandoned by their leader.

The lobby of Lincoln Center is packed with people displaced by Aubrey's stage fright, all waiting around for the competition to start once more. Hundreds of heads turn in Aubrey and Chloe's direction as they walk toward the front door and Aubrey grips Chloe's hand so tightly that she worries she's going to cut off the circulation. But she can't bring herself to let go. She'd been so sure that the next time they walked through these doors that they would be champions. She'd imagined the sight of Alice holding that trophy so many times that it almost seemed real. Now it's never going to happen. Because of her.

Chloe flags down a taxi and puts her hand on Aubrey's knee as they ride back to the hotel. Aubrey stares at Chloe's hand, tracing her long fingers and perfectly painted nails with her eyes to avoid thinking about anything else.

They're stuck in traffic a block away from their hotel when Chloe's phone goes off and she opens a text from Alice. _Left your shit with the front desk _is all the message says and Chloe figures that the silver lining of this whole situation is that Alice at least packed up their stuff before checking out of the hotel. She could have left it in the room or, worse, decided to take it all back to Barden on the bus with them.

Chloe uses the emergency credit card her father gave her before they left for New York to pay for the taxi ride. If this doesn't constitute as an emergency, she doesn't know what does. She tries not to let the fact that she and Aubrey have been left alone in the big city get to her. She's not alone here, she still has Aubrey and that makes a difference.

Aubrey remains silent as Chloe talks to the concierge and claims their stuff and once again uses the emergency credit card to get them a room for the night. Her chin starts to tremble during the elevator ride to the fifth floor but Aubrey tries to her best to keep herself from crying all over again. _Be strong, Posen_. The little voice in her head sounds surprisingly like her father's but it does little to keep the tears from pricking her eyes. At least they don't fall.

Once they're in the room, Chloe puts down their bags and kicks off her heels, reaching up to let down her tightly pulled back hair, giving a little sigh of relief. Aubrey remains immobile by the door, wringing her hands anxiously. Chloe gives her a soft smile and she reaches out to take her hands. "Why don't you shower? It'll make you feel better." Chloe suggests. "A hot shower can fix anything."

Aubrey doubts that very much but she follows Chloe's instructions anyway. She goes into the bathroom and turns on the shower and lets the steam slowly fog up the mirror and make the air thick and humid. She unties her scarf and lays it across the counter, staring down at the fabric. She doesn't feel the same thrill that she usually does when she looks at the scarf; that feeling of pride is gone, replaced by shame.

Aubrey can hear Chloe over the sound of the shower and it takes her a minute to realize that the redhead is talking on the phone, not to herself in order to fill the silence of the empty hotel room. "Hi, Dad. Yeah, no, everything is…well, no, it's not." Chloe is saying. "I had to use the emergency credit card. And I'm going to have to use it again. To buy plane tickets for me and Aubrey. No Dad, it's…it's a really long story okay and I really don't want to talk about it right now. Thank you. I'm really sorry. I love you too."

Chloe stops talking and seconds later Aubrey can hear the low murmur of the television set. Aubrey wipes at her eyes with the heels of her hands and then strips off her Bellas uniform, folding it carefully and setting it on the counter beside the scarf. For the first time, she notices that the collar of her white shirt is flecked with vomit. Aubrey grabs the shirt and tosses it onto the ground, where it will stay until housekeeping comes the following morning to tidy up the room after they're on a plane back to Atlanta.

Aubrey gets into the shower, ignoring the scalding water as it beats against her skin, cleansing her. Unfortunately it can do little to erase her memories.

Chloe sits on the edge of one of the twin beds in the room and channel surfs absently, her finger flicking the buttons on the remote while her mind runs over her conversation with Alice. Hearing Alice call Aubrey her girlfriend had sent her thoughts into a tailspin and she'd been quick to refute the words because she felt like that was what she should have done. But is that really such a horrible idea?

Is she really even thinking about this right now? It hardly seems important, given the events of the past hour. It almost seems surreal to think back on the things that she said to Alice. Though, to be honest, the most surprising part is that she didn't grab Alice and just choke her, because that was what she really wanted to do. The anger she'd felt toward Alice for the things she'd said to Aubrey, for how she treated Aubrey…it had been unlike anything Chloe had ever felt before. She'd been desperate to tear Alice down, as though somehow every word she said to hurt the Bellas leader would make Aubrey feel better. It hadn't worked, but at least she hadn't just stood by and let Alice say those things to Aubrey, the way she had too often done throughout Bellas rehearsals. Even now, that's all she feels: the need to protect Aubrey, to somehow shelter her from the world outside, to make it so that what happened at the Lincoln Center means nothing. Her good intentions mean nothing in the long run. She can't make it so it never happened and Chloe knows that she definitely can't protect Aubrey from her own thoughts.

The one thing Chloe does regret is that she didn't actually punch Alice. She should have just hit her right in the middle of her scrunched up face. Maybe if she'd done that, she'd feel better right now. But she never could have done that. Hitting anyone, even Alice (and even if that someone deserved it), would have been completely out of character. Though, if Chloe was being completely honest with herself, even yelling at someone the way she had yelled at Alice was completely out of character. She can't even remember a time when she raised her voice at her parents, even in the middle of some sort of teenage angst period. She's never even yelled at her little brothers for going through her stuff or her big sister for being a bratty older sibling. Chloe Beale just doesn't yell. But it definitely felt good to yell at Alice.

Chloe tosses the remote control aside and flops down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She can hear the water running in the bathroom and wishes that there was something more she could offer to Aubrey other than clichéd advice about taking a shower. Her heart aches for her friend; she can't even imagine how Aubrey is feeling right now. All the horrible things that Alice had said, all the snide comments from the audience and the rest of the acapella groups…those are nothing compared to what is surely going on through Aubrey's head right now. No one is harder on Aubrey than Aubrey is and Chloe wishes more than anything that she could just wrap her arms around her and help her carry some of that weight.

In an effort to make herself feel useful, Chloe goes into Aubrey's suitcase and takes out the tank top and sweat pants that Aubrey likes to sleep in. The state of Aubrey's suitcase is a nightmare, thanks to Alice or whichever Bella was tasked with packing up their things. Chloe takes everything out, folds it and tries to pack it back as neatly as possible. Aubrey will more than likely just want to repack it again herself, but at least it looks better than it did before. Chloe does the same with her own suitcase, changing out of her Bellas uniform and into something that doesn't make her feel like a deranged flight attendant.

Chloe wordlessly hands Aubrey her clothes when the blonde steps out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and Aubrey gives her a grateful smile. "It's like you knew exactly what I needed." She says softly.

"That's what I'm here for." Chloe says with a smile. Aubrey turns to go back into the bathroom to change and Chloe's eyes linger on the spot between her shoulder blades and the beads of water still collected there on the skin. Her cheeks burn when she realizes what she's doing. Jeez. One little comment from Alice and now she can't control her thoughts. Plus, talk about bad timing.

Aubrey reemerges from the bathroom and wordlessly comes to sit beside Chloe on the bed. The space is small, but they're used to making it work after three years in a college dorm room. After a few minutes, Chloe gets up and retrieves her hairbrush, sitting down behind Aubrey and starting to brush out her damp hair. She feels Aubrey start to relax slightly, but the tension in her body still keeps her shoulders rigid. Chloe plays around with her hair for a bit, contemplating different styles, before finally settling for a simple French braid, the end of which tickles the space between Aubrey's shoulder blades that Chloe couldn't take her eyes off earlier.

"Thank you." Aubrey says softly as she watches Chloe get up once more to return the brush and hang up the now useless towel that Aubrey had been using to dry her hair. "For…everything. For standing up to Alice and for being there when…" The words freeze in her throat and she can't force them out, can't breathe around them. Tears prick eyes, unbidden. Great. Well, she'd made it ten minutes without wanting to cry.

"Bree, you know you-" Chloe starts but Aubrey quickly interrupts her.

"Can we not talk about it right now." She says softly, dropping Chloe's gaze. "I just…I'm just tired."

Chloe gives her a wane smile and nods. "You should rest." She wants to say _oh, no we're talking about this now_ or _I'm not going to let you keep punishing yourself for this_. But she doesn't. She can want to carry some of Aubrey's weight all she wants but until Aubrey actually lets her it doesn't mean anything.

Aubrey lays down on her side and closes her eyes. She doesn't think she'll actually be able to sleep, not with the thoughts swirling in her mind and the shame she feels in herself. But she closes her eyes and suddenly the exhaustion that she used seconds ago as an excuse to get out of hearing Chloe tell her that everything was going to be okay suddenly overtakes her. She falls asleep as she feels Chloe climb into bed beside her and put her hand on the small of her back.

When Aubrey wakes up, the bed beside her is empty and the only light in the room is the artificial glow of streetlamps outside and from the lamp on the bedside table. It takes her a moment to wade through her disorientation and remember where she is and what happened hours ago at the Lincoln Center. She really wishes that she could go back to the ignorance of sleep because remembering just makes everything worse. Her stomach rolls and Aubrey squeezes her eyes shut tightly, trying to will the feelings away.

The nausea finally passes but Aubrey's disgust in herself doesn't. She opens her eyes and looks for Chloe; the sound of the shower running answers her unspoken question. Aubrey glances at the clock and sees that it's just after nine, meaning that she's slept for more than five hours and she still feels exhausted. She knows that no amount of rest is going to make her feel any less tired, any less unburdened.

When Chloe comes out of the bathroom, Aubrey pretends to still be asleep in order to avoid the conversation that she knows is bound to happen. Chloe will assure her over and over again that what happened on stage wasn't her fault and Aubrey will nod but they'll both know that she doesn't really believe a word that Chloe says. She just wants to avoid all of that for now. She wants to keep that embarrassment and disappointment, she wants to hold on to the certainty that everything that did happen was her fault and she single-handedly robbed the Bellas of their chance at a first place win. Chloe's words will just be empty and Aubrey doesn't want empty words right now.

It's hard to ignore Chloe when she says her name softly, questioningly, as though she doubts that Aubrey is really asleep but Aubrey forces herself to remain still. Suddenly she just wants to feel Chloe's arms around her, to hear her say those stupid, pointless words. She wants to believe that there really is someone who doesn't blame her for today. But Aubrey doesn't move. She doesn't deserve Chloe's comfort right now.

Chloe starts singing softly to herself as sits down on the other twin bed, picking up the remote and channel surfing once more. She's singing an old Faith Hill song, Aubrey's favorite, and it's definitely getting harder for her to continue to pretend like she's asleep. When she finally opens her eyes, Aubrey's not surprised to find that Chloe is already looking at her. Chloe smirks and arches an eyebrow. "Faker."

That comment and the certainty in Chloe's voice, the fact that she knows her well enough to know when she's not really asleep, makes the knot in Aubrey's chest finally loosen and she gets out of bed and wordlessly slips into bed beside Chloe, resting her head in Chloe's lap. Chloe toys with Aubrey's braid absently and occasionally she traces circles and other patterns in the space between her shoulder blades. A heart, an infinity symbol, a star. A wordless language that can make sense of the thoughts in her head.

"I'm so sorry." Aubrey says softly after she feels Chloe trace her fifth heart. "I ruined everything."

Chloe clicks off the television. "Bree, don't. Just don't, okay? It's not your fault, you don't have to keep apologizing."

Aubrey sits up and Chloe's hand falls away. "How can you say that it's not my fault? We could have been champions. We would have been, if I hadn't…if…I'm the reason that we're here right now, Chloe. _I'm_ the reason that the Bellas are the laughing stock of the acapella world. _I'm_ the reason that everything went to shit today."

"I don't care!" Chloe snaps. "I don't care about any of that stuff. It's just a trophy. I care about you. All I care about is whether _you're_ going to be okay."

Aubrey shakes her head. "I'm not. This is not going to be okay, Chloe. Alice is right. About everything. I ruined everything today and I'm going to ruin the Bellas too. It's all over now. Because of me."

"Well, you're right about one thing. It _is_ all over." Chloe says forcefully. "So beating yourself up isn't going to do any good. It's only going to make things worse."

Aubrey scoffs. "How can this get any worse? I should just quit. Then next year, you can start over. You'll have an easier time getting girls to join the Bellas if I'm not there too."

Chloe furrows her brow. "Absolutely not. If you quit, then so do I. I'm not going to do the Bellas without you Aubrey."

"Even if it means being associated with…me? And what happened?" Aubrey tries to sound skeptical but she just sounds tentative, like what she's hearing is too good to be true. Like she so desperately wants that reassurance.

"Of course." Chloe assures Aubrey immediately. "I don't care about any of that stuff Bree, I already told you. I just care about you. We can get through this together."

Together. Aubrey never realized how powerful that simple little word could be. She's never had anyone fight for her the way that Chloe has and it's all too easy to believe her words. That they really will be able to get through this together. Chloe's very good at getting her to believe things that her rational mind tells her will never be as simple as Chloe makes them out to be. She's never been one to believe in simplicity; simplicity is for fairy tales and happy endings. As a child, she never believed in Santa Claus. But now, she believes in Chloe Beale.

Aubrey puts her arms around Chloe and presses her face against the crook of Chloe's neck, closing her eyes. She can feel the rapid beating of Chloe's heart, unsteady and fast, like she's been running cardio. For some reason, it makes Aubrey's own heartbeat falter.

Chloe wraps her arms around Aubrey, pressing her lips against her temple. And all at once, it's like a light bulb goes off in her head. Yes, Aubrey is her best friend. Yes, she loves her. Yes, she wants there to be more than this. She needs it. She wants to be able to hold Aubrey whenever she wants, to touch her and kiss her and be there to remind her that the sky isn't falling every time she doesn't live up to her unrealistic expectations. Or, if she can't do that, she wants to be there to hold Aubrey as she tears herself down and be there to help her pick up the pieces when she's finally ready to put herself back together.

_I love you_, Chloe wants to whisper against her skin. _You need me but you don't realize that I need you too_. But she lets those words die on her tongue. Now is not the time. She's not naïve enough to think that telling Aubrey how she feels about her will solve all their problems and make everything better or stop Aubrey from reliving this day over and over again. Right now, her feelings aren't enough to cancel out Aubrey's disappointment and self-hatred. But maybe one day, she can make a difference.


End file.
